Saturday, September 25, 2010

Work...

Something that people don't often know about people in my situation is that the changes aren't just physical. Just as as athlete on testosterone becomes more aggressive, so do I go the opposite. Due to my issues and being embarrassed about it I tended to keep to myself a lot, so I developed a good emotional barrier. Eventually nothing bothered me. I went through a parent's divorce, deaths in the family and untold relationship problems and I could take it all in stride, never shed a tear. And it feels strange that I can't do that now. I was just reading through a thread on sad stories last night and after reading two about cats dying I actually had to stop because I was crying thinking about my cat and how she will die some day. Where I used to be able to break up with someone and laugh while doing it I'm know reduced to uncontrollable sobbing when my boyfriend is mad at me.

So here I am getting ready to work on a Saturday I should have off, and I can't help but think how I'm not cut out for it anymore. I work as a debt collector, which is obviously a job that requires some thick skin. I'm not bad at it, but it's getting tougher for me. All day I listen to people's stories of the woe and tragedy they've gone through. Job losses, divorces, death's in the family. I had a 75 year old man cry on the phone because he was so far in debt and was a burden on his family when he was always the provider. And I just want to tell these people that they don't have to pay, that I can make it all better. But I can't, and instead am forced to demand money from them. And when they do pay it feels like I've stolen from them, that I've kicked them while they're down. And when I get my check at the end of the month based on what I collect I just look at it and think "That man could have taken care of his family with this".

It's just a strange feeling knowing how strong you've been and not being able to be that way again. But it's not all grim, because in turn I've become a better person. Now that I actually feel I've managed to have a long term relationship. I've reconnected with my father who I've distanced for so long for petty reasons. I'm an overall nicer and more caring person, so I don't regret this one bit. So all I can say for anyone else out there that prides themselves on how callous they are and how nothing bothers them, I can only suggest that you don't know what you are missing in life. It took me lots of therapy and medication to learn this and I hope you don't have to do the same.

11 comments:

  1. Looks like your adsense is working fine. Cool blog I followed. Hit me back

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  2. Reminds me of my sophomore year in high school. I woke up at five, took three buses to school (about a 2 hour ride total) and stayed there until six in the evening, taking three buses back (another two hours.) Such a miserable time in my life... I learned a lot about myself though.

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  3. More power to you, I guess. I consider myself to be a pretty hard person, but I don't feel there is anything lacking in my life because of it. I think it drastically improves the quality of the interaction I have with the people that do remain in my life.

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  4. I get pretty worked up when I think about how my cats will die in a few years. Life is so transitory. Our own human lives are remarkably short compared to things that live on this earth, much less the stars in space. The thought can either be depressing or it can make you cherish those few years.

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  5. you must be in love with your work /b/ro.

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  6. Yeah...I wouldn't like that job, and I'm a hetro male. Confrontation is bad, and unless you're really twisted, you usually don't like hurting people.

    At least, not in non-fun ways.

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  7. It's weird to see people truly be honest and beg. People seem so dishonest nowadays.

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  8. Kudos to you for still going out and doing your job everyday. You're an inspiration for trans folk who feel they'll be too afraid to ever leave their homes.

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  9. Man do I know how work sucks good luck to you.

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