Work...

Something that people don't often know about people in my situation is that the changes aren't just physical. Just as as athlete on testosterone becomes more aggressive, so do I go the opposite. Due to my issues and being embarrassed about it I tended to keep to myself a lot, so I developed a good emotional barrier. Eventually nothing bothered me. I went through a parent's divorce, deaths in the family and untold relationship problems and I could take it all in stride, never shed a tear. And it feels strange that I can't do that now. I was just reading through a thread on sad stories last night and after reading two about cats dying I actually had to stop because I was crying thinking about my cat and how she will die some day. Where I used to be able to break up with someone and laugh while doing it I'm know reduced to uncontrollable sobbing when my boyfriend is mad at me.

So here I am getting ready to work on a Saturday I should have off, and I can't help but think how I'm not cut out for it anymore. I work as a debt collector, which is obviously a job that requires some thick skin. I'm not bad at it, but it's getting tougher for me. All day I listen to people's stories of the woe and tragedy they've gone through. Job losses, divorces, death's in the family. I had a 75 year old man cry on the phone because he was so far in debt and was a burden on his family when he was always the provider. And I just want to tell these people that they don't have to pay, that I can make it all better. But I can't, and instead am forced to demand money from them. And when they do pay it feels like I've stolen from them, that I've kicked them while they're down. And when I get my check at the end of the month based on what I collect I just look at it and think "That man could have taken care of his family with this".

It's just a strange feeling knowing how strong you've been and not being able to be that way again. But it's not all grim, because in turn I've become a better person. Now that I actually feel I've managed to have a long term relationship. I've reconnected with my father who I've distanced for so long for petty reasons. I'm an overall nicer and more caring person, so I don't regret this one bit. So all I can say for anyone else out there that prides themselves on how callous they are and how nothing bothers them, I can only suggest that you don't know what you are missing in life. It took me lots of therapy and medication to learn this and I hope you don't have to do the same.