A lot of people ask me how I knew I was transgender. It's kind of like explaining why you like a certain food; you just do. It was an undeniable impulse that took every ounce of effort to suppress in my early life. But at the very least I can isolate the moment when I decided that it was absolutely something I had to act on. The story takes us back to Anime Central again but this time I was a scant 18 year olds. I was excited for my first anime convention, but I had no idea how many firsts would occur that weekend...
My best friend Steve(same from previous story) and I flew out to ACen on a Friday morning in May of 2003. We were both fresh out of high school and had loads of cash to burn having graduated literally days ago. So we check in and immediately hit the con. We buy tons of stuff in the dealer's room, play some DDR and Initial D in the game room, watch some anime, typical nerd stuff. We were young and didn't really know anyone so we didn't really do any drinking or partying. At one point when Steve was off somewhere and I was in the dealer's room just browsing I see some Japanese school girl uniforms. I stop and stare for a moment thinking they're kinda cute. Then I realize I think I would be cute in one, so I buy it and make a beeline back to the hotel room.
Once there I hastily changed into it. Thanks to being young I had virtually no body or facial hair, and I'd allowed my hair to grow past my shoulders. It was the first time I had ever crossdressed and when I looked at myself in the mirror I literally gasped. I was shocked at how much I looked like a girl without any real changes except cloths. A wave of emotions swept over me all at once ranging from arousal to relief to confusion. I just sat there for I don't know how long staring at myself. Eventually Steve came back and when I stepped out he just stared and said "ok..." He was used to me being quirky so I think he just wrote it off as that. We went back to the con and resumed our activities, but now people payed attention to me. They asked to take my picture and talked to me more. Call it shallow but I was really enjoying my new found attention.
Near Midnight on Saturday Steve decides that he's tired from the days events and decided to go to bed. I'm still wired from more caffeine than I've ever had so I had back into the con. Eventually I come to the rave. I'd never been to one but it was exactly what I expected; loud techno, lots of lights and really warm. So I muster my courage and head in, knowing that I've never danced at all and don't really know what I'm going to do. After a few minutes I take a seat near the side to just enjoy the atmosphere and watch people dance. About 10 minutes later one of the guys dancing comes over and asks me to. I respond that I don't know how and he says that's fine he'll help me. At the time I was being totally honest but in retrospect I can see how coy I was acting and probably baited him in.
So he takes me out to the floor and we start dancing next to each other. Then he grabs me around the waist and we start dancing closer, which then became dancing really close. This continues to escalate until we are practically dry humping out on the floor. I'm super nervous because not only have I never been this close with a guy, I realize that due to the atmosphere he probably doesn't know I am a guy. He then pulls me over to the side where we sit and he gets us some water to drink. I contemplate running away but something compelled me to stay and see where this went. So he comes back and hands me the water and kisses me, all in one motion. My first kiss with a man.
I return it in kind but let him take the lead. We continue kissing and he pulls me on to his lap. I'm in pure bliss, until he touches my thigh and then I come back to reality and panic. As he continues his way up I think he probably doesn't know and I have no idea how he's going to react. I try to stop his hand but he's much stronger and eventually finds his target and grabs a hold of it. I pull back a little and just stare at him with a look of terror on my face. We stare at each other for what felt like an eternity. I'm moments away from bursting into tears when he grabs my face with his other hand and kisses me deeper than ever before. There are no words to describe how I felt right then. But it was cut short as Security said we should take our business else where, so we walk out hand in hand.
Once out there are so many things I want to ask him but I can't find the words for any of them. He finds the words I really wanted and asks if I have a hotel room. I frantically try to call Steve but he isn't answering, meaning he is fast asleep. He says he has no room since he lives sorta close and drove and slept in his car. I start to tear up when he grabs me and tells me not to worry. He leads me to the lower floor off to a little used hallway. It's dimly lit, out of the way, and has a couch for people to rest on. I'll not go into much detail on what happened next. Suffice to say that when I submitted and he took me completely as a girl I knew I could never go back to being a guy. After we kiss goodbye and I stagger back to my room.
The next morning Steve and I go out to breakfast and I tell him that I want to become a girl. I don't think he fully understood what I meant but he laughed and just accepted it. I wore the school girl uniform all the way home even through the airports. I actually dreaded taking it off and going back to the way I was. After that I threw myself into acquiring girl clothes secretly and looking into tips for how to look more like a girl. I now for the first time in my life had a real goal. I've yet to fully accomplish it but I can see the light at the end of the tunnel.
I never saw that man again. I've been back to ACen every year since and a part of me always hopes to see him again. I just want to thank him for being the catalyst that spurred me into action on my true path in life. So ACen will always have a special place in my heart. It was my first anime con, my first time crossdressing, my first time with a man and the first time I realized I needed to be a girl. So I still can't explain why I feel this way but at least I know the moment was I was sure about it.